My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
