My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
