I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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