Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
