I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
