she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
