I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
