You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
