It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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