So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
