Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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