there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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