I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
