guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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