I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
