"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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