drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
sarcasm needs its own font
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
