...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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