i just sent this text using only my big toe
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
