Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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