I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
