it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
