I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
