My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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