He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
