Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
