What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
