Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
