Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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