I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
