ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
