your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
