okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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