i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
