y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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