"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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