my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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