Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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