it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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