Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
