you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
