I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
