I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
