Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
