I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
