She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
