dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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