dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
