hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
