I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
