my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
