Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
