I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
