I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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